Male announcer: And now, nickelodeon and dreamworks'
Monsters vs. Aliens.
- ¶ mva ¶
¶ mva ¶
- ¶ monsters vs. Aliens ¶
¶ it's us vs. Them
¶ foe vs. Friend
¶ brain vs. B.O.B.
- ¶ it's a super-freaky job
- Oh, yeah, it's freaky.
- ¶ mva ¶
- ¶ monsters vs. Aliens ¶
- [cackles] - ¶ monsters vs. Aliens ¶
¶ monsters vs. Aliens ¶
¶ mva ¶
- 17 sightings in one month.
Seems we've got us an unidentified alien
In the pacific northwest,
And I want answers.
- The letter "h."
Thomas alva edison.
- Answers to the alien problem, b.O.B.
- Don't worry, general.
Team monster is ready to kick alien butt,
And we're happy to start with this one.
- [scoffs] good luck finding my buttock.
You think it's here,
But in alien anatomy, who knows?
Maybe it's on my foot. [chuckles]
- Knew it!
- [teasing]
- Ew!
Get your foot-butt out of my face, coverton.
- Stand down, both of you!
Coverton's our insider.
He can smooth over first contact
With the extraterrestrial
And/or annihilate it.
Either way, I'm good.
- I always thought that was his butt.
- 'tis not!
[squirrels chattering]
- Okay, guys, mission is a go.
Link, you're on point.
If you see anything, give the signal.
- Signal.
[high-pitched whirring]
- Okay, what do we got?
- It's small, fast,
And it appears to be stalking us.
Yes, definitely stalking us.
- Heads up.
I just laid a candy trail
To lure the sucker out in the open.
Then we can-- - [screams excitedly]
Guys, I found wild candy!
[munching loudly]
Oh, this is so much better when it's free-range.
[munching loudly]
[high-pitched whirring]
- Soldiers, set your attitudes to gluteus kickiness.
[shouts]
- What a professional abduction!
Big fan of your work!
- It's getting away!
- Let me go!
That is an order! I will--
- We're losing ground.
- I did mention it was fast.
- B.O.B., slingshot express.
- On it.
- Who's going in?
Eeny, meeny, miny, coverton!
- [grumbling]
[screams]
Crash!
- Hello, first contact.
- [groaning]
- Where is the alien?
- Is it invisible?
[shouting]
You can't dodge forever, camouflalien.
[shouts]
- Underneath.
- Okay, no matter what comes out from under there,
We go fast, we go strong, we go big.
[high-pitched whirring]
- Please step with caution.
I am very small and damageable.
All: Aw.
- You're not gonna hurt anyone, are you,
You adorable little cutie?
[giggles] do you have a name?
- I am called sqweep.
All: Aw.
- Sqweep. Oh, it's just fun to say.
Sqweep.
Hi.
[babbling]
- May I remind you monsters
That this cutie, sqweep,
Has your commanding officer dressed up
Like a merry christmas goose?
- Apologies if my energy ropes discomforted you.
I merely did not wish to have my gluteus kicked,
As per your order.
- How dare you, sir?
- Today you are the monster.
Which means I am the general.
[as monger] you are all dismissed!
[as self] we're dismissed?
I'm gonna hunt more candy. [chuckles]
- Fine. I promise not to hurt the kid.
[device beeps]
- Oh, please.
One cute face, and you all drop your guard?
The child could be the vanguard of a global invasion.
I demand you surrender all of your conquest plans
Complete with any breakthroughs in human enslavement.
Come. Come. Hand them to coverton.
[cackles]
- But my mission is peaceful.
- Boring.
- I'm on an earth studies field trip.
- Field trip? Like school?
- Precisely.
I'm researching a report
On this planet's dominant species.
- A researcher! How darling!
Does dr. Cockroach need to help
With all the tricky-wicky data analysis?
- Unnecessary.
The finished report is already loaded
Onto this information pod.
All that remains is to transmit it
From the communication console on my ship.
- Aww, even the ship is cute!
- I made a very thorough study.
Strengths, weaknesses,
Vulnerabilities,
Population centers,
A complete breakdown of government
And military units,
And how to defeat them.
- If that kid's report fell into the wrong hands,
Tentacles, or crab-like pincers,
It would be the groundwork for an invasion!
- Yes, I suppose that is true.
- Sorry, but the general's right.
We can't let you transmit that.
It's too dangerous for the earth.
- I am also sorry,
But this report is 1/3 of my earth studies grade.
Any risk to my perfect grade point average
Will be countered most severely.
- [laughs] what you got there, kid?
Bug spray? - Pest repellant.
Zap!
- [shouts]
- I never fail.
- Code red, monsters!
Intercept that report!
- On it!
- So very on it.
[cackles]
- Ha-ha!
Ha, ha.
Susan, I forgot how to be a solid.
- [grunts] what in--
Dr. Cockroach, what are you doing to my ride?
- Combination afterburners and homing function, general.
You are now locked on to the alien child's form
At extra maximum speed.
- [shouts]
- I'm sorry for any inconvenience
To your faces.
- You're in over your head, kid.
I have decades of combat training
And the speed of a barracuda.
- I have bees.
- [screams]
- [grunts]
- Game over, sqweep.
Just hand over the report, and we can--
[both shout]
- What?
You tripped the large-sized female?
- We are fellow aliens on a strange planet
And therefore natural best friends.
Why, I could even help protect your information pod.
[laughs]
- Unnecessary.
But I am very pleased to be your new best friend.
- Best friends share.
That's how you know they're best friends,
The sharing.
Bfs!
[device whirring]
- Sweet rhubarb pie!
We're too late!
- Not yet.
[women screaming]
Behold, a jamming device so powerful,
It will not only block out transmission
Of sqweep's report.
It will flash-fry the data forever!
[laughs]
[thunder crashing]
[device whirring]
[computer beeping]
[weapon whirring]
[loud zapping]
- Science is my favorite subject too.
Would you like me to teach you how to be better at it?
- I'm beginning to despise that child.
- Begin report transmission.
- Squirrels,
Earth's fluffy puppet masters.
- Um, well...
- [chuckling] squirrels.
- Um, sqweep, what is this?
- My report on earth's dominant species.
- And you think that species is the squirrel?
[computer whirring]
[both laughing]
- Wow. Really?
- Clearly, it's squirrels.
Their leaping, foraging,
And fluffiness skills are superior.
- It's called science, people.
- Their language is too complex to completely decode,
But I am certain they are secretly running
Every major world organization.
[both laughing]
- Be nice.
- Little alien, I assure you it's us humans
Who dominate this planet.
- Humans?
- Unfortunately, yes.
- [shouts]
- Report interrupted.
- Please ignore transmission.
Will submit project later.
Hugs. Sqweep.
[sighs]
- Wait. "will submit project later"?
- It is 1/3 of my grade.
I must stay and redo my report
With humans this time.
- What makes you think I'd allow an alien
To run willy-nilly over my terra firma?
- I think I have already proven that you cannot stop me.
- Can. - Cannot.
- Yes, I can. - Enough!
You want to stay here,
You will operate under my supervision
Out of our base at area 50-something.
- What?
- We're bringing in another alien?
- I like to keep my friends close
And my aliens closer.
- I accept,
And I already have a best friend.
- [shudders]
- You're gonna want to wash that hand.
- Then welcome aboard, sqweep.
Soldiers, return to base.
- But, general, the child is a menace.
Show-off.
- Are all earth creatures this jealous
Of superior intelligence?
I should know this for my report.
- I am not jealous.
[squirrels chattering]
- [laughs]
Both: Lazy Saturday.
- Where's the remote?
- Face fishing!
[gags]
[television beeping]
- No.
- "no signal."
Oh, is that a cop show?
- It can't be.
- More no signal.
Man, this show is on, like, every channel.
- B.O.B., I think-- I think the cable's out.
[creaking]
We have no tv.
No tv, b.O.B.!
- Hmm.
[screaming]
- This is an epic boredom crisis.
The very survival of lazy Saturday
Is at stake.
- [screams]
What do we do?
- We find something fun, pronto!
- This is gonna be awesome!
- Yeah, try not to talk.
Throws off the aim a little bit.
- I'll try, but, you know, you know my mouth.
I mean, sometimes it just does stuff
And I don't even realize it.
Oh, there it goes again!
Bad mouth!
[babbling]
- This activity has a 97.44% chance
Of catastrophic damage.
- 100% chance of don't care.
- I merely wish to record the results
For my earth studies report.
I have a section
On your planet's substandard intelligence.
- Whoa, kid.
There's nothing sub about earth intelligence.
- My mouth got free again! [grunts]
- The cable's out.
You take away a man's tv, stuff's gonna happen.
- Fascinating.
And what would happen if he had television back?
- You have tv? - Gimme.
- Gimme! - So bored!
- Please gimme! - Alien satellite television.
It is not the premium package,
So I only receive 65 trillion channels.
[both babbling] - 65...
- Would you like to borrow it?
I'm confident your tiny earth minds
Will benefit from my educational television.
- Hold up.
Educational television?
You know that learning and fun are enemies in the wild, right?
- Well, if you don't want it...
- 65 trillion channels?
- From 17 different galaxies.
- We'll take our chances.
[both laugh]
Space jail.
Martian martial arts mayhem.
- Ooh, this one's just stuff exploding.
- And that's the actual title, just stuff exploding.
I got to tell you, sqweep,
This does not sound like brain food.
- I assure you-- - shh, shh, shh, shh.
Tv talking now.
- And here's more of theta quadrant's
Painfulest home videos.
Clang! - Ooh, my gleentorgs!
- [laughs] right in the gleentorgs.
- I love educational television.
- Kiss me, omeganaught!
Kiss me with each of your seven mouths.
[loud smooching]
- Officer zankar-7, stand down.
You can't parachute from space jail!
It's in space!
- But I'm a loose cannon, chief.
And it's the only way to save the galactic emperor's baby.
- Do it! - Do it, zankar!
- Zankar!
- Deploy space-chute in three,
Two--
[tv beeping]
- Hey! - Tv!
- Continue watching, yes or no?
- [stammering] yeah!
Continue watching!
- Think of the galactic emperor's baby!
- One plus one equals...
- Hey-- what--
Hey, what's wrong with your tv?
- Nothing.
It is a perfectly functioning educational television.
- Yeah, maybe it's my earth intelligence,
But on this planet, educational tv
Means puppets teaching the alphabet
Or songs about washing your hands after you tinkle.
- Uh, whoa, whoa,
We're supposed to do what after what?
- Well, you can finish the chips.
- [gulps]
- Well, on my planet,
Educational television is a device.
In order to continue watching,
You must answer an academic question.
- But that's like work!
On lazy Saturday?
Oh, what is wrong with you?
- Easy, b.O.B.
You know, whatever.
As long as there's still tv,
I can handle some simple math.
One plus one equals--
- Mushroom. - Seriously?
- That answer is wrong!
[loud zapping]
- What was that?
- Paincentive, a registered alien trademark.
- It's also a registered butt mark.
- Every time you get a question wrong,
There will be another sonic blast
To remind you to be smarter.
- Identify the shape.
- Big boom for every wrong answer, huh?
You thinking what I'm thinking, buddy?
- The shape is a no-angle?
- That answer is wrong!
[loud zapping]
- Cool!
- Yeah!
Take that, books!
This is way better than regular tv.
Come on, b.O.B. Let's go have some fun.
- What?
- You are thirsty.
Do you need a glass of water or a campfire?
- I'm deferring to b.O.B.
- Does the campfire have any juice boxes?
- That answer is wrong!
[loud zapping]
- Yeah! - All right!
- What are you doing?
This is not improving your earth intelligence.
- I'm smart enough to know I'm not bored anymore.
- "e" equals mc boom.
[both laugh]
[high-pitched whirring]
- What sound does a cow make?
- None. It's in stealth mode.
- Why would a cow be in stealth mode?
- Ask her.
She's the one wearing cowmaflage.
- [sighs] that answer is wrong!
[both whooping]
- You are mocking the educational process.
This experiment-- [shouts]
Both: Ha!
- Oh, nothing much.
Just chilling, plotting evil, you know?
How's your day?
- Duck.
D-o-zero-q?
- Wrong!
[loud zapping]
- [screams]
[groans]
- Surprise!
- You are disappointing the entire universe.
- Wrong! [loud zapping]
[muffled music playing]
- Cupcakes. - Wrong!
[loud zapping]
- Anything important broken?
- Not yet.
- Are you going to do nothing about this?
- Shh. Lazy Saturday.
- But--
- Wrong!
[explosion]
- [shouts]
[repeated loud zapping]
- Yeah!
You got nothing!
Come on, I'll make it easy for you.
- You realize you are confirming
The inferiority of earth intelligence?
- [laughing]
- Oh, I got you this time!
- Pick which cat is different.
Here is a hint.
It is the one that is an elephant.
[elephant trumpets]
- Hmm.
[device beeping, elephant trumpeting]
- Um, that one looks...
Vegetarian?
[device whirring down]
What happened?
- I do not know.
- Your mind is an insult to the universe.
- [scoffs] shows what you know.
I don't even have a mind.
- I am forced to increase the paincentive to ultimate.
- Huh, that sounds ominous.
- Well, it serves you both right.
Sometimes the only way to learn--
- Any planet that produces such stupidity
Cannot be allowed to exist.
- Say what with the what?
- Oh, gleentorgs.
- Now downloading an app
To launch the earth into the sun.
Have a nice five minutes of remaining existence.
- Wait.
Is that app free?
'cause you didn't ask my credit card number,
Which is seven--
- Downloading faster now.
Make the blue man go away.
Make him go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You can't just shoot us into the sun
Over some stupid questions!
- Uh, technically, the answers were stupid, buddy.
- Oh, now you're smart.
- Do you know what it means if the planet is incinerated?
- Yeah, we're all goners!
- Worse!
An automatic d-minus in earth studies.
What?
- Come on. Give us another question.
I promise we'll get it right.
- Yes, one more chance.
Please?
- Final question.
- Phew. - Phew.
- Calculate the velocity required
To maximize the gravitational slingshot effect
When rounding perselon's second largest moon
During the apex of its orbital crossing.
- That'll be for you.
- But that moon orbits an irregular ellipses
That vary with each cycle.
It would take two days to run all the calculations.
- Download complete. [device beeping]
[rumbling]
- ¶ lazy Saturday
Now shake very lightly and--
[rumbling]
[whimpering]
[shouting]
- [shouts]
- Maybe the answer is--
- [grunts]
- What's going on?
- If somebody doesn't tell that mini tv
The right velocity for some gravity slingshot,
It's gonna launch this rock into the sun!
- Is it weird that not a single word of that surprised me?
- Perselon's second largest moon, eh?
Tricky job, irregular ellipses and whatnot.
Better let me have a go.
- No, thank you.
- Yes, please.
- Unnecessary.
- Actually, I believe--
- Actually, it would be most helpful
If you'd shut your mandibles and let me work.
- Okay, I think it's got something to do
With ice cream sandwi--
- You're missing the shortcut provided by gervalli's constant.
Gervalli's constant does not apply
To quadruple helix patterns.
- Not on the first seven cycles, but--
- Enough!
Your friends have already proven that earth intelligence
Is inferior, incompetent, and incapable.
- I got it. The answer is "one foot."
- One foot?
- That's not even a measure of velocity.
[device whirring down]
- Signal lost.
[both grunt]
- Earth intelligence is fine, thanks.
It just runs stronger on the female side.
- Oh, susan broke the tv.
I'm bored again.
- You want to go play experimental weapons tag?
- I'm in!
- I'll get the launch codes.
- [sighs]